I would not mind at all if you completely disappeared from the calendar. Really, my feelings won't be hurt.
I knew it was coming. I could feel it. And it hit me last night.
I was missing the boys, and my heart was aching. I took out their photo albums and scrapbook and I lost it. On the floor, sobbing. My heart hurt so much, I just wanted my boys in my arms.
I'm emotional anyway and it has only been not even 4 months since they passed but I usually hold it together pretty well. But when I flipped the calendar yesterday and saw, "DUE DATE!!!" marked on the 18th, strike one. Then the girls were watching Dora while I made breakfast and it was the episode where Dora's mommy has twins. My 5 year old started crying and asked why she couldn't have her twin brothers, why she couldn't keep them like Dora got to keep hers. Do you know what that did to me? Strike two.
And strike three...well, I became really close with a group of girls from my December Birth Board, they have been so wonderful to me since the boys passed away, sent me flowers and a beautiful bracelet from My Forever Child...they really are some awesome ladies...but here it is December and as you can probably guess...babies are being born! And I am so happy for them and let me tell you, they have some beautiful babies! I should be right there with them...and I'm not.
So three strikes and my butt was out! I'm okay today. I did a lot of praying last night and as always, that helps me.
Looking forward to date night this weekend...alone time with the hubby is always nice :)
And of course my girls make me smile every.single.day.
Dear Trena,
ReplyDeleteYou and your girls are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how a mommy's heart hurts when her little ones hurt. I think their pain is worse for us than our own pain. I am so sorry that you had such a tough day. I will be thinking of you and your beautiful boys as well as your gorgeous girls all this month. I will light two candles on the 18th for your boys. Thank you so much for the congratulations and for your prayers. It really means a lot to me that you care and are there for me. God bless you and your beautiful family.
Love,
Mary
Sending lots of hugs and thinking of you. I have had those moments myself and am so sorry that you have to feel them too. It is hard to watch the kids grieving the loss. I will be thinking of them.
ReplyDeletePraying definitely helpse me in those moments. I find myself praying a lot these days and differently I might add than the prayers I used to when talking with God.
Praying for you so much. I seen that show this morning. I know at different times my children bring it up about one of the babies. It's tough. Keeping you close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteCaroline
I'm sorry it's been so tough lately. I'm sure it'll be a rough month for you with their due date. I wish we could just understand it all...
ReplyDeleteThank you Caroline, you always have kind words and that means so much to me. I truly appreciate your friendship. ♥ Holly, thank you as well, both you ladies have been nothing but kind, and I know you both know exactly how I feel. I just want to get past December...
ReplyDeleteOh Trena... reading your posts makes my heart break over and over again. I am so sorry for you and your family... your girls are precious. I wish I could wrap both our families up in blankets to protect us from this trying month, but then all 3 of these beautiful girls would miss out on wonderful childhood memories, and as you said before, they still need their happy moments. Sending you sooo much love and comfort. (((Bryston & Colton)))
ReplyDelete((hugs)) i'm so so sorry. i know those emotional moments very well. it just hits out of nowhere. like a ton of bricks. :'( i had a breakdown this evening myself. after having a fairly decent day. was in the grocery store, and was subjected to christmas music - that's all it took. *sigh*
ReplyDeletei also wanted to tell you that i gave you a blog award. you can check out my last post to see it. pls know that you don't have to play along at all if you don't want. it was just my way of saying how much i appreciate you being with me in this time of sorrow, and being so inspirational to me.
Oh, this is so sad, yet so sweet. I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his firstborn son due to complications of prematurity, and my heart just breaks for him, and your family too.
ReplyDeleteSending healing prayers.