Patience

Tianna asked me this morning if she could look at Bryston and Colton's pictures. So I brought out their photo albums and opened them up. She can tell them apart right away, which amazes me - I mean, she's only 5! It took everything in me not to cry. We came to a picture of me holding the boys (Colton had already passed but it was while Bryston was still alive) and she goes, "mommy, you look so sad in this picture." Then she gave me a huge hug. I love that kid. Aubrianna kept touching their pictures and saying, "awww." She's still young so she doesn't really grasp it all yet.

Then they wanted to look at the memory boxes, so we pulled those out. We looked at their teddy bears and their clothes. We took out their baby blankets and the scrapbook I put together.

I'm used to looking at these things - but usually I'm alone when I do. Sitting down with the girls and looking at everything was really emotional. Tianna pulled out the book the hospital gave us called, "We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead." She wanted to read it but I couldn't make it through the first page. I told her to just look at the pictures for now and that I would try to read it later.

It has been almost 4 months and I still can't get through that book. It isn't a long book either, but every single time I try to read it, I cry.

That 4 month mark is coming up. And my due date will be literally a few days after. I'm dreading it. I know I will make it through, but I also know that I will be sad.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my insurance about whether or not I am approved to have the TAC surgery in Chicago. If I don't hear anything by Monday I'm going to make some calls. Patience is something I've been praying for! Not only for the surgery...but for getting pregnant. I miss being pregnant so much. But I know it will be my time, when it's right. I just have to be patient and trust in the Lord.


I'm going to end this by sharing a quote -

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards