Merry Christmas

I know Christmas this year isn't "merry" or "happy" for some, and I'm probably in the category. Well, no...I take that back. This Christmas isn't as "merry" or "happy" but there is still some joy. I have two beautiful little girls that are beyond excited for tomorrow and how can I be all "bah hum bug" about that!?

Yesterday afternoon I started getting a headache and it just got worse and worse and turned into a migraine. Which of course made my stomach upset and I just felt like crap. I gave the girls a bath and got them in bed. Shawn had to get up early this morning for work so he was in bed snoring away right after the kids. So I tried watching TV but the light hurt my eyes. I turned the TV off and was thinking and it just hit me. That crushing, aching pain filled my chest.

I went into the living room so I wouldn't wake up Shawn and I cried for almost an hour straight. You know the kind, the ugly cry. Can't breathe, aching heart, tears flowing, (snot too, I know - not pretty) I couldn't stop. Which of course made my headache worse. I was a mess. I finally calmed down. Prayed and talked to the boys and I started to relax a little.

Christmas is tomorrow and I just miss my sons so much that it literally hurts.

I just feel incomplete.

When you lose a child(ren) it leaves a jagged hole in your heart. Now, over time, the edges of that jagged hole will smooth out but the hole will be there forever.


I meant for this to be a happy post but well, my feelings are real and at times not very happy.

I do want to wish every single one of you a Merry Christmas. I pray that the holiday is gentle to you. I pray that you have peace, and I pray that you smile and when you wake up in the morning, thank God for the blessings you do have.

Lots of love and hugs to you all.