My Hell

A mother's grief can be her own personal hell. If you've never lost a child or children then you will never truly understand how it feels and that's okay, but you can respect it. This not something I will ever "get over". It will be a part of me until the day I die. Time does not heal all wounds...it just makes things more bearable.

Welcome to my hell.

What you are about to read is what plays through my mind on a regular basis. It's like a movie and no matter how much I want to stop it from playing, it has to finish. It's a nightmare. I need to write it out and give it to God because if I don't, it will consume me.

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I climb into bed. He is already asleep so I snuggle up next to him. I rub my belly because I feel them both kicking. I laugh to myself because I imagine them in there fighting for space. I fall asleep with a smile on my face, blissfully unaware of what was to come.

I wake up, not sure why and realize I am wet. I feel around the bed and realize that the bed is soaked. I jump out of bed and deep down inside I just knew something horrible was about to happen. I had a sense of dread I could not shake.

He calls 911. I'm on the bathroom floor and water is just gushing out. I'm praying that this is not true...I'm praying this is just a horrible joke. The EMT's arrive and it's as though I am watching all this happen instead of actually going through it. I think I was in a state of shock. I hear the woman EMT say, "there is water everywhere, her water definitely broke."

Is she talking about me? No, she can't be talking about me. But here I am, being carried to the ambulance. They are asking me all these questions on the way to the hospital and I know it's only because they want to keep my mind busy. I start to feel pressure and know at this moment...my boys will be born.

As I am being wheeled down the hall I feel something coming out and make this known. They look and Bryston is crowning. I get into the room and she tells me to push. It doesn't take long because he is so small. With the final push I squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them I don't see him but I see a team of nurses and doctor's around him, working frantically. A nurse looks over and makes eye contact with me. I see pity and sadness in her eyes.

Time passes and Colton isn't coming out. The pain won't go away. They tell me I need an emergency c-section. I get wheeled to the OR. They say Shawn can't come in. The doctor comes and holds my hand and rubs my head while we wait for the anesthesiologist. He is looking at me with that same look of sadness and pity. He tells the nurse to go get my husband. Shawn comes in and kisses my forehead. Then they tell him he has to go because I am about to be put to sleep. He whispers, "I love you." in my hear before he leaves.

They put this mask on my face and tell me to count to 10. I remember thinking, "what if I die. what if I never wake up?" and then my last thought before I was out was, "God, please watch over my babies."

I wake up and am in extreme pain. I see a nurse off to my side and and she gives me pain medicine. Once again. Pity and sadness in her eyes. Time passes and Shawn is at my side. I say, "is he alive?" speaking of Colton. The look in his eyes broke my heart. He shook his head no and we both broke down, sobbing.

They bring Colton into me and I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am holding my son. But he is lifeless. This can't be real. I can barely see through the tears. A team of doctor's come in and tell me Bryston isn't doing well. They ask me, "Do you understand?" I shake my head yes but I'm screaming no on the inside. How am I suppose to understand this? How is anyone suppose to understand this?

They bring me Bryston and now I am holding both my baby boys. One already gone and the other barely hanging onto life. I see Bryston move his head and I can tell he is struggling to breathe. I keep looking back and forth at my boys and kissing them. The doctor comes in every 5 minutes to see if Bryston's heart is still beating.

That last time, about 30 minutes later he looks at me...pity and sadness...and tells me..."he's passed."

Doctor's, nurses, family, chaplain, everyone crying. I want to pinch myself and wake up because this has to be nightmare, this can't actually be happening. But it is.

I went to bed on a Saturday night at 11:30 p.m and my world was amazing. 24 hours later at exactly 11:30 p.m I am laying in a hospital bed sobbing. He comes to me and ask me if I am okay. "No, 24 hours ago I was falling asleep feeling my babies kick and now I am here and my babies are gone!" I could not control that pain and anger I was feeling at that exact moment. It was so raw. Reality was hitting me.

I finally fell asleep and I dreamed about my boys. In my dream I was holding them. I knew they were not alive but in my dream they opened their eyes. In the dream I called him over and told him that the boys has blue eyes and I was smiling. Then I woke up.

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All this plays in my head almost daily. I needed to get this out because it is dragging me into a dark hole.

- God, I give this to you. Please give me peace in my mind and peace in my heart - Amen.

Bryston and Colton, I love you both with everything I have. I miss you so much that it hurts.

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I actually feel a lot better just writing that down. I probably sound like a crazy person...but no, it's just grief.