Okay, I need to do a little catching up.
We planned on staying home for New Years Eve, but some friends of ours invited us over to their house. They have kids the same ages as ours. So we packed up some stuff and headed over there. The kids played and we all just sat around talking and laughing. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt good.
The kids were all asleep well before midnight. As we all stood there and watched the ball drop at midnight I had mixed emotions. Part of me was glad to say goodbye to 2010, I mean, it was the roughest year I've ever had. The other part of me was really sad though. I actually had to fight back tears. 2010 was the year my precious boys were born. Time is pushing me further and further away from that moment. That, makes my heart ache.
I've been doing pretty well and of course as grief goes, the extreme sadness is creeping back up on me. I can feel it. I know it's there. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
We will officially begin TTC in a few months. Shawn is beyond thrilled about this. As am I. But I am scared too. Scared it won't happen when I want it to. I really need to learn to give up on my control issues because it really is in God's hands.
And I can officially say that NEXT MONTH is my TAC surgery! That's just crazy. I'm ready though.
Let's see. Oh, both my girls are sick right now. I feel so bad for them when they are sick. It just breaks my heart. Fevers, coughing, throwing up, runny noses and the list goes on. My poor girls :(
Alright, I feel as though I am rambling. If this post makes no sense, please forgive me! I have a million things on my mind right now!
It is bittersweet isn't it? Wanting to say goodbye to a year that had a lot of pain, but also the life of our children as well. =( We are hoping to start TTC again in a few months too and although I'm excited I am anxious about it as well. I am trying to let it be in God's hands, but it's hard. I know it's in His hands anyways, whether I am able to admit that, but I have to trust in that and it's hard to trust after going through a loss. Happy New year to you, I hope it's a great one!
ReplyDeleteending 2010 was so hard for me too. it was very bittersweet, and i am still dealing with this moment of sadness brought on by the new year. i'm excited for your surgery. i know how hard it is to try and take things one step at a time. but i have a feeling that this yr will bring joy to a lot of my lovely BLM friends (you included). lots of love sent your way...
ReplyDelete